i made this page for [REDACTED]. he doesn't know that, though. it's none of his business, really. i'm not really supposed to love him. he doesn't want me to. he doesn't love me. but i do love him. i love him a lot. i wish i didn't. i don't want to. but it is what it is.

i miss him a lot. we used to talk all the time. when i told him i was in love with him, we kept talking a lot. he kept being sweet to me. we weren't dating. i wish he admit he doesn't love me. i just want closure. instead he says that saying so would make him feel bad. i don't want to make him feel bad, so i've stopped pushing him to reject me. but because he won't admit it, i keep wanting to believe he could still love me back. he can't. at some point, about a month ago since writing this, he stopped his frequent messaging. i guess he wanted me to get over him just with time. though i already told him i don't work like that.

i told him a lot of things. he made me feel safe and he listened to me and told me i could tell him anything. i still believe that. but he's made it clear that he'd rather i didn't do that anymore. not as clear as i asked him too, but it's okay. i'll forgive him always. if he starts talking to me again out of the blue, i'll be as in love as i was when we left off. i don't know why i'm like this. i wish i wasn't like this. in my eyes he's a near perfect creation. no one could be better. i've told him this, too. i've never hid my feelings from him. not until recently, when i've chosen not to tell him how hurt i've felt from his absence. okay, i've hid plenty of feelings from him. any feeling that he's hurt me, i don't want him to know. but he sensed it anyway when it happened. he knew how much i relied on him, and he wanted me to stop. i didn't mean to give him that impression. i never wanted to put that pressure on him. but shit happens i guess.

before we stopped talking, he told me that he felt like i relied on him to make me feel happy and motivated. i denied it, of course. but it was true. ever since we stopped talking, i keep deteriorating. i won't tell him this. he wouldn't like to hear it. i'm ashamed of it. i wanted so badly to be able to survive without his company. i should be able to. but i just feel worthless. i know. i know. i know that his attention doesn't define my worth. i know that. but i feel like there isn't colour in my life anymore. i know it's my fault, too. i guess i wasn't his type. i guess i wasn't pretty enough or smart enough or funny enough or cool enough or chaste enough. he would never say anything to make me feel bad, though. it's just his absence of saying anything that makes me feel this way.

i miss hearing him tell me i was pretty. i know it's stupid. i know i'm stupid. i know i haven't explained what it is about him that i fell in love with yet. why i believe he's perfect. there's a lot. i'll get to it eventually.