you know what's hilarious. just absolute comedy gold. i was working on this site instead of studying last night. i had my last exam today. and now that i actually have free time? i've pretty much completely lost interest in this, despite being extremely invested not long ago. it's so strange. it felt so important and now it suddenly doesn't anymore. why am i like this? i'm gonna try to make myself continue working on this despite the lack of interest. i'm irritated by my own behaviour.
ahahhahahahahah. so. it turns out. that my uni won't let me drop a class more than once. and it also turns out. that it won't let you repeat a failed class more than once. so after failing this class again, i won't get to take it ever again. which is a bummer, considering i was quite interested in it. whatever. fuck me. i'm not going to bother with that shit again. i really wanted to do it though. i hate being viciously fucking mentally ill. my stomach hurts. ugh.
soooooo. i wasn't supposed to drop any courses any more. especially considering
it was my third time attempting this particular course. but. i don't even know
how to explain what happened i'm straight up just a bad person. bottom line is, it
became completely impossible for me to pass, so i either have to drop it or take the
F. same situation as the first and second time i took this course. first time i dropped it,
second time i took the F. but that means it affects my GPA, so i HAVE to complete it
if i want to replace that F. ugh. i was supposed to get it this time. but. i didn't do it.
and it's another large sum of money down the drain. my family doesn't have a lot of
money. i can't afford to be acting like this. sigh. the worst part is i haven't told
my parents the truth about the situation. i can't, my mother would freak out and cry.
so as far as they're concerned, this time i'm passing the course. i hate it. i hate
lying. but i hate getting yelled at more than i hate lying, so here we are. argh. you
know, last time i was working on this website, i was doing it at the end of my last
semester, where i was also procrastinating and failing. after that pressure was
gone, i didn't have as much interest.
...but is that really true? actually, i didn't stop
working on this site after the semester. i stopped working on it after i met someone
and fell in love with them. i spent the next four months pining over them, and only now
have i finally decided to stop. god, that's a huge story. not that a lot happened, i
just had a lot of feelings and thought that person might have as well. they stopped
talking to me first around the start of july, and i waited for them at first because
they put me under the impression they just needed some space. but they've made it
abundantly clear by their continued behaviour that they want nothing to do with me.
ugh. why did i start writing this? there's way too much to say and i don't have time
right now. i never have time. but i keep wasting it. ugh. sorry for the shitty entry.
no i'm not. why should i be sorry? this is the best place for me to write bullshit.
ok bye.
here's to my first official journal entry. yay.
this entry was actually on the front page before, but at the time of writing i was using the "updates" section of my site as a journal too. now that i have a dedicated journal page, i've decided to move the entries that weren't updates over here.
comparison comparison all i do is make comparisons. everything feels pointless when i feel like i'll eternally be below average. i don't know what to say man. it's frustrating that my brain won't let me do things the way i think they ought to be done. sure, i might like something, but that doesn't really matter anymore when i compare it to what's popular and remember that i should try harder to be normal. this entry is about a lot of things. right now it's mostly just about my despair over my website looking too different from what's popular. sure i really like it, but i get the feeling nobody else will and that's not good, because i value other people's opinion over my own. whatever. it's almost 2am i'm gonna go to sleep. goodnight.
this entry was actually on the front page before, but at the time of writing i was using the "updates" section of my site as a journal too. now that i have a dedicated journal page, i've decided to move the entries that weren't updates over here.
so, i feel like i oughta address this, so i will. currently, every image and graphic that i've used on this site was found on other places on the web. some of these are probably meant for public use, but others should probably be sourced correctly, regardless of this being a non-commercial site. as i work on this site more and put more time and effort into it, i fully intend to create a lot of my own artwork and designs. for the images that i still want to keep that aren't mine, i'll try to find and include sources. for now though, i'm gonna continue being a dick and not do that. hopefully i'll stop sooner rather than later. this entry isn't really an apology, just an acknowledgement that i know i'm doing something wrong.
this entry was actually on the front page before, but at the time of writing i was using the "updates" section of my site as a journal too. now that i have a dedicated journal page, i've decided to move the entries that weren't updates over here.
wbabbbjsdhnfjdh. im so fucking depressed. i haaaaaaaaaaaate existing and being alive. thanks.